My “F you” picture from the archives
This is me, when I was in my teens. (Yes, 80’s hair and upturned collar alert, I know.)
I call this my “F you” picture. I was full of attitude as a teen, can you tell?
I was going to post a light-hearted post about tapping into some of that attitude to kick some butt on these weight and exercise challenges I’m setting for myself. (And I’m going to. I still have plenty of attitude left 
.)
But, you know what bugs me about this picture?
I was convinced I was fat.
Beyond help.
Less than because of my weight.
I was a size 10 or so at 5 foot 7 inches. Certainly not skinny. Could have lost a few pounds.
By this point, I had been hearing the “you have to lose weight” message from my family for almost ten years. When we went shopping for clothes, it was a constant litany of well, you just can’t wear anything, you have to stick with vertical stripes and long shirts that cover the hips and no boat necks, etc., to hide that ugly fat. When I learned how to do my makeup as a teen, I received books and articles that concentrated on contouring to hide fat and concealing flaws. (Aside: Reminds me of the Abs in a Box kit. haha) Any photograph, of course, was “what a shame.”
I felt fundamentally flawed.
But I held my head up and stuck my chin out and hid behind my attitude. I didn’t show anyone that I was anything but confident.
The family is just as critical now, almost 25 years later and over 100 pounds more. But now I’m almost 40 and I have come to peace with my body to a great degree. I have much more self-confidence and self-worth. (And I don’t spend much time with my family, especially since the criticism has been extended to my handsome husband and my beautiful perfect children. I won’t allow my kids to experience that growing up. Mother Warrior!)
I thought about my weight every day, then. And, I’m tired of thinking about it now. I’m going to deal with this once and for all. For me. Because I’m worth it. Not because someone else thought I wasn’t good enough.
Maybe I should call that picture of me in my teens my “F them” picture from now on (“them” being anyone who thinks I’m less than).
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Amazing how when we look back at what our thought process was like! Thank you for sharing! Great post!
Funny, I had the SAME thing going in high school, complete with criticism, and “YOU don’t need THAT.” I remember thinking that a size 12 was the end of the world; therefore, I spent a lot of time cramming myself into 10s that didn’t really fit.
Because I felt completely helpless about my size.
Ive read this a few times and am still SHOCKED…and not.
not my life experience but that of so many of my friends.
Man, ILL NEVER BE THAT MOM.
Yeah, Miz, I used to be really angry, for years. Until I looked at her childhood and realized how criticized she was, too. So I try to be hyper vigilant with my kids and forgiving to her. Easier to do from a distance most days.
I so understand that statement about feeling helpless, Sarah.
Thanks, M!
I had a really similar haircut in high school – that great 80’s short ‘do.
The funny thing is, I remember thinking I was so fat in high school, too, although when I look at myself in photos then, I am so much thinner than I am now. Still, compared to everyone else, I was overweight at 5′3″ and 173 (at my highest). I wish I would’ve just exercised a bit more and stayed more active.
But, life didn’t lead me in that direction either, so now, at 37 years old, I’m finally figuring out what I need to do so that I feel and look better – for life. Better late than never, right?
That’s right, better late than never!
A. et al.
Just to point out a guy’s perspective: I remember when I was a kid being called all sorts of names. The one that stuck was “Wilbur” (after the pig in Charlotte’s Web). It was so bad some of my fellow students never even knew my real name.
Even more, the thing that killed me was having to shop for clothes — which were always labeled oh-so-confidence boosting names like “Husky” and “Big Boy” and such — usually branded right on the back pocket label for all to see!
Anyway, like the others on this thread, I look back now and realize how I wasn’t *that* overweight. (Certainly not like today.) And yet, I believe it became a self-fulfilling prophecy: Everybody (including my family) considered me to be such a “fatso”, what was the point of bothering to lose weight?
This has been helpful to think about how early those destructive thought patterns developed in my life.
Thanks A – and keep up the great work!!!!
ant
Thanks, Ant — so true about the self-fulfilling prophecy! Good point. And thanks for the encouragement!
A.