My mother and I drive each other batty over food issues, even after 40 years
My mother and I go way back with weight issues. She just left after a week here and, I have to say, it was one of our better weeks together. (We really only had one snippy point, when I couldn’t resist criticizing her beloved Lou Dobbs as a ridiculous conspiracy-theorist fear-monger. Oops! I quickly shut my mouth and found something nice to say, ending the incident, however.)
I don’t normally complain about my mother on this blog — I think it would be disrespectful and inappropriate for me to do so and it would hurt her feelings if she read it. Plus, I really just don’t have that much to complain about. She’s had a rough life and did her best for me. I came to peace with our relationship (for the most part) long ago. She has just as many, if not more things, to complain about that I did that drove her batty when I was younger.
But (you heard a “but” coming, right?) I feel the need to vent about the food stuff over the past week because it affected me in a big way.
OK, here goes:
- She tells me I look great and asks how I lost weight. I said by not dieting. She said, no really, what’s your diet? I opened my mouth and she cut me off with “Oh, that’ll never work for me!” I should have stuck to my original plan of not saying anything.
- She insists that she can only eat like 500 calories a day to lose weight and that she would try WeightWatchers but she just can’t eat all that food. She said to me in a hushed incredulous voice, “It’s just TOO much food!!!” Oh, please. Meanwhile, she eats 1000s of calories a day in secret eating. And I’m quite convinced she’s totally unaware that she’s doing it. I think she honestly believes she only eats a few hundred calories a day and that she can’t understand why she gains weight.
- Every time she visits, she has huge volumes of sweets in her room and every time I knock to ask something, she has a mouth full of something. By the time she leaves, she finishes whatever it was and hides the evidence in the trash being sure to tie up the trash bag.
- Food is either bad or good. We are either being bad or good and it’s all about what we are eating. If I hear one of the following again, I’m going to scream:
- “I’ve been ::stagewhisper:: BAD today”
- “Let’s try to be ::insincere/smarmy:: GOOD!”
- Every time I am successful at losing weight, she brings unhealthy food around (or in college would mail it to me) for the ultimate mixed message: your worth is your weight, oh, but eat [fillintheblank]!
- Every time she wants to eat something, she asks my kids, oh, do you want a treat? And of course they say yes. I caught her once this week telling my 4yo daughter to lie about having had 3 cookies when I walked in the kitchen and “caught” them. (This infuriated me. I didn’t give a flip if grandma gave her three cookies. It’s not normally something she gets often. Grandmas are supposed to spoil kids.)
Other than all that, we really did have a nice week. One of the best ones we’ve had in a while. I wish her happiness and to be at peace with herself.
Sigh.
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OK, so on the bright side, you totally understand what’s going on, which means that you will NOT fall into any of these behavior traps yourself.
I have some experience with similar, though less extreme, behavior in my own family. It is NOT fun.
True and good point.
It’s good that you are so self-reflective and you can identify these patterns. Family and food is an interesting mixture, isn’t it?
My mom is also difficult about food. The woman eats mostly crap, while trying to pretend that she eats so healthy, but lucky for her, even in a family of obese (her parents), diabetic (her mom and sister), and heart disease (both siblings and parents), my mom is thin, never had a weight problem. That has never stopped her from being totally neurotic, hiding her food, commenting about every bloody thing I eat. My dad no longer lets her do that, and we’re all happier for it, though her and I still fight. I don’t have kids, but I warn my sister to watch the mom around her boy, as I see her starting to try to deprive him (he’s 10, athletic, growing, and if he wants a small sugary dessert after he gags down all his broccoli, who cares?). That’s different than what your mom is doing, which to me, seems very dangerous for your kids. It’s hard, we’re taught to respect our parents, but when they’re destructive force in our or our children’s life, boundaries must be set. Me, in not allowing the mom to comment about my food (I eat healthier than her these days anyway), and you, in whatever capacity you feel comfortable with.
LOL re Lou Dobbs!
Good for you for being able to enjoy the time with your mom despite the food issues . . . they do sound difficult to deal with.
My mom was obese and battled her weight unsuccessfully all of her life. She subscribed to some bizarre ideas about dieting that were common wisdom back in the 60s and 70s – among them the idea that a 600 or 800 calorie a day diet was a good idea. No wonder she could never stick to it for long! I suspect she may have been a bit of a closet/compulsive eater, because she really didn’t eat enough in front of us to maintain her weight. I put on most of my weight in my 30s after she was gone, and I certainly understand her struggle a little better now.